Women Drivers & My Hatred For Their Driving

September 8, 2008

Bad day for me today. Looked at my Analytics reports and found that my readership had fallen to an all-time low yesterday. Therefore, decided to put fingers on keyboard and become more regular with my irregular habit – blogging.

Women Drivers – simply said, I abhor them. Share the same view? No? Ok, allow me to tell you more…

Have you ever seen a woman drive a car before (or for that matter even a two-wheeler)? For women, the car’s true symbolism lies in the fact that it is actually a 4-wheeler machine which to them seems like the most vulnerable of all their belongings. The way they look at each and every car in the rear-view mirror, in front of them through the windshield, or even by their side glances is one that any person who sees them driving thinks of them as the most susceptible and scared human beings that there ever were. It’s like a whole new world for these folks. Seems as though they have just opened their eyes and voila! they’ve been thrown into this mysterious world of bad bad people and bad bad cars. The look that they get on their face when they see a truck or a bus approaching is that of a two-year old when they see a 6-foot moustached burly fellow standing in front and coochie-cooing them. Mouths agape, eyes bulged out and ready to bawl!

One thing that strikes me most often when they drive is their inability to take a look at what’s in front of them most of the time. The minute they approach a bumper or need to needle out their car from some thin lane, they suddenly get up on their seat and look down wondering if they have just run over a squirrel or two. Instead of focusing on what’s in front of them, there they are half hoisted on their seat, take a quick cursory look to the left and right and then up again and ride out and even then, manage to get a scratch or two. The older ones are very experienced and apt at this.

Not only do women not know how to drive, they don’t know how to a) Park, b) Drive fast, c) Follow a lane, d) Stick to the left when they feel that they are going too fast (read over 30 km/hr), e) Give way, f) Change gears at the right time, g) Change tyres (I have given a hand to many a one).

Women just can’t let go of being conscious of the way they look no matter where they are – be it the loo in a restaurant, a high-profile party, and obviously, the car is no exception either. I have seen then many-a-time in their cars stuck in traffic, quickly powdering their nose, applying lipstick, a couple of hairbrushes coming out, eye-liners, and of course, the tissue paper in their hands. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn! They however do…

Mobile phones have been banned while driving, but apparently these self-proclaimed members of the ‘weaker’ sex think of themselves to be an exception to this rule. Ladies – wake up and smell the coffee – you are now in a totally different zone. Your hairdresser/tailor/boyfriend can and will wait. It’s you who needs to be patient and ask them to call you back later, or better still, not answer the phone. Am sure being the sort of men we are, we won’t be suspicious for even a second of your whereabouts 🙂

Banging their own cars (not in the literal or sexually suggestive way of speaking) seems to come very naturally to them. Yes, not saying that we men are immune to them, but our scale is much higher and believe it or not, we make an impact. With the women though, it’s a scratch here, a dent there, and inevitably, it’s their fault. You know when you’ve been hit by a woman-driven car when you hear a squeaky voice scream from outside of your car, ‘Oh, my God! Can’t you see???’ Well, I can. The problem here is your poor eyesight and your lack of a skill called driving.

And for some of my brethren out there, I feel your pain when you have to sit next to one of these women while they drive…I really do.

Now, to be fair to them let me point out the times when being a woman driver can actually be a good thing. This time, I’ll summarize since the points are very few and I couldn’t think of more ways to elucidate my views.

– Pleasure to the male eyes… the women, not the cars.
– You can’t/shouldn’t beat them up if they hit your car.
– The police lets them off easily. A smile here, a blink there and it’s all taken care of. Ladies – a word of caution though. They don’t like it when you call them ‘bhaiya’
– They can’t beat you up if you hit their car. By the way, their favorite position when they hit your car or vice versa is akimbo.
– Have hardly ever heard of major accidents with a woman behind the wheel.
– They don’t have to change their own flat tyres/fix their car if something goes wrong, not because they can’t, but because they don’t know how to.

All right, enough – think the good points already outweigh the bad ones. Got to stop myself from wishing I was a woman behind the wheel…struggling….got to stop…got to….aargh….


– Hef