Selfless promotion of the only group I belong to on Facebook!

August 8, 2009


This post is nothing but a promotion of a group that I belong to on Facebook – “We Hate Gurgaon“. If you know me, interact with me, follow me on Twitter, or even remotely know who I am, this group will come as no surprise to you. Gurgaon – a village of which the lesser said, the better. Am not going to go on a rant right here – for that, there’s Twitter and of course this group.

I moved to this village in NCR (National Cattle Region) about 32 months ago and have hated it with a vengeance with each passing day. In fact, what this place has done has further led me to hate all of the North, including Delhi, Punjab, and whatever else is north of Kolkata.

This group was started by a friend of mine (Arjun Kolady) and myself. I hold the title of “Chief Subversion Officer”. While my friend was lucky enough to move to Bangalore 12 months from moving to Gurgaon and starting this group, I have been rotting here since December, 2006 and judging by the way things are moving in my life, am stuck here for some more time, unless an act of God or a benevolent miracle rescues me from my grief.

If you have been to this place or if you have any intentions of visiting, please do go through the content listed on this group and you will definitely understand that the so-called “Millennium City” is nothing short of a shoddy, ill-planned, ill-constructed, zero-infrastructure, zero-transport, green-less wonder of the 21st century.

Come one, come all – to the group…not to Gurgaon.

~ Hef


I’m A Golden Man: Bappi Lahiri

August 3, 2009

I just had to write a post about this historical, and hysterical interview with Koel. I watched this show on a Kingfisher flight and trust me, it was the best flight I had ever taken in my life. I watched 3 reruns of this show and favorited it on YouTube as well. This is for your entertainment. All spelling mistakes were on purpose and as per the vocabulary of Bappi Da 🙂

He was called Alokesh before he became ‘famous Master Baapi’ at the age of 4 because he was playing “classical tabla”, but “he don’t know when I am playing tabla” because his “mamma and his dads told me that you’re so small so the crawling that time you want the tabla baaya like” Oh – he is also a “pianoist”.

He agrees that either it is an exaggeration or that he is a child prodigy. – not clear from his statement.

He loves crooning, preferably his own songs.

He was not allowed to play cricket as a kid because his “finger will fracture”

He was given a “B” gold chain because he was “famous B”

He wore his first gold chain that was gifted to him by his ‘Mamma’ and “my Zakhmi became sooper heet”

He was a “follower” and “a practical fan of Elvis Presley with his round face” and that is why the fact that he was talented or his music evolved over time did not play a factor in his success as a music director.

He was a “brand brand I’m brand” before becoming a brand and all over the world he is known as “Bling Bling Bappi Lahiri”

Obviously, he gloats, “I’m A Golden Man”

He got Disco to Indian movies and croons out the number as well. Surprisingly, he says that ‘Chalte Chalte’ the title track is also a disco song, followed by ‘Pyaar Manga Hai Tumhi Se’

In his famous American accent, he tells us how he learnt in an American club the word ‘disco’ originated. “No No No Disc playing – Disco – you understand?” That’s what gave him the “correct words – Disco”.

The director of Mithun’s first blockbuster told him that he wants songs like “John Travolta, Bee Gees, with some Kungfu flavor”, which is when he asked himself “How I will do?” and answers “OK, I will do”. He then explains how Bruce Lee was so famous and almost says that he sang for Bruce Lee. The song was “mausam hai jeene ka …. grandmaster jeena” ??? Obviously, the song became a “sooper heet”.

When Koel says that the song “I am a Disco Dancer” is a cult song, he forcefully says “All Songs!!!” Koel acquiesces.

Disco Dancer is actually “a history” because it’s being used in a movie called “Don’t Mess With The Zohaan with Adam Sand Lear” for using “Jimmy Jimmy”.

He agrees that he borrowed from the West, but adds that he took “in 500 song 2 song and not like today’s every song is plagarees”. He also gives the example how “anyone can borrow Beyonce’s song – touch me touch me touch me, touch me touch me touch me”

He flatters Koel by telling her that she is a star and that “everywhere this program is a soopper hit – couch”

He says he is the seniormost composer in the Hindi “fillum” industry like Lakshmikant Pyarelal, RD Burman, and Kalyanji Bhai. Asking him to compose with 2/3 other composers for the same “fillum” was a terrible insult to him, which is why he thought that he should go to Hollywood, where he worked hard for 2 years on “kaliyon ka chaman”, which was in the top 3 of the American charts.

You will see him next in “a very beeg role with Salman Khan in Main Aur Mrs. Khanna” where he has also “sang a song”. He plays a “very beeg myujikal-minded taicoon of Australia”.

His latest music album (My Love) is “bhery secret” dedication to someone, for which he also has to “cross feenger”.

He was a “teenagers” even when he was 23 when he married his wife.

Bappa, his son is “comeeng out very well” now and his 3rd “peecture is beecom very beeg heet”.

He didn’t participate in this year’s general elections because he was “beezee in talent hunt show – international talent hunt show – fool month beezee”. However, he gives his “laav and respect to Congress”.

Bappi Da does not have “alcohol, pan, pan parag, no nothing. No addictation”.

To his critics, “No No. anybody’s telling me bad accent. That is why I am sitting here in golden – uh red couch, 36 years in Bollywood and everybody loves Bappil Lahiri. I want lao of junta and I want to be good human. Bappi Lahiri should be good human personality because you know I want to sing…” and there he breaks into yet another song.

His dream is to get “Grammy avaard”.
His most humbling moment was in London when he met “Bittles group – that Paul, that John Ringo Paul”….” and adds when asked if he met the whole group, “not whole group, uh – that Paul Mackton.”
Michael Jackson (RIP) met Bappi and asked him for his “Ganpati Baba chain”

He then gets reminiscent about getting Samantha Fox in Rock Dancer for “Touch Me, Touch Me, I feel your body”, although the film did “not business, not business, but…”.

He can instantly fall in love with “good myoojik”.

His biggest regret is that his parents are “off”.

His latest want is to work with the “latest Beyonce”

…and he signs off in classic style with a Bengali number and shows how he plagiarized it into a Hindi version.


    Movies, Movies, and more Movies.

    July 28, 2009

    Movie downloading fetish: 31 movies in 3 days, including 6-episode, dual-season TV Series and still counting.

    That’s what I’ve been upto over the last few days. Axxo, Klaxxon are some of the users that I am hounding since the last few days through to download movies using UTorrent(pronounced mew-torrent).

    I haven’t come across any titles that I haven’t seen yet and believe me, I have seen a lot. Most of the ‘must-watch-before-you-die‘ site recommendations talk about the same old stuff over and over again – ‘The Godfather‘, ‘The Lord Of The Rings‘, ‘Taxi Driver‘, etc. Well, for one I already have most of these movies, and additionally, I find these artsy movies a bit of a drab.

    I have been subjected to a lot of Hindi movies in the past and I like fast-paced (not necessarily the ‘action’, ‘dhishum dhishum’ kinds) movies. Comedies are my favourite and I don’t mind thrillers and certain drama movies as well. Have looked all over for recommendations, but have found none. This is one of my attempts to get ideas from you folks out there.

    Spare me the ‘Shawshank Redemption‘, ‘The Green Mile‘, ‘Forrest Gump‘ kind of common movies. Don’t get me wrong – those are terrific movies and ones that I’d die to watch, but am looking more for what’s not common and those kind of movies that are heavily underrated. And I don’t like art films, world movies, foreign language movies, musicals, black-and-white movies, pre-1960 movies, martial art, and mindless action movies.

    Before you make any recommendations, a little bit about me – I am a movie freak in the true sense of the word…when I went to the States, I went with the sole purpose of buying DVDs fromAmoeba and Rasputin in SFO. I ended up paying $300 in excess baggage, came back with 2 overflowing bags of DVDs, and currently possess a Godrej-full of movies collected from different sources. No – I don’t lend movies, so stop wishing.

    Now for suggestions in the following genres please:

    Comedy (TV Series qualify for this genre as well)
    Any other jaw-dropping stuff (no porn – I have my own preferences) 🙂

    Give me as many. I have an insatiable appetite for this form of entertainment and the person with the most valid recommendations (movies that I eventually end up downloading/purchasing/owning) will get a one-time only, full-access to my movie collection which I will be posting on my blog shortly. Extra points for providing a download/purchase source. Please don’t forget to state your name and email ID. You can email me directly as well if you feel that posting a list via this medium is too cumbersome.

    10 points for each valid recommendation.

    Thanks in advance.

    ~ Hef

    We Love You, Tintin – and we miss you.

    July 18, 2009


    From my father to Tintin

    When he came home he was barely an armful

    Used to snuck into the tiniest space

    The sound of a spoon in his favourite saucer

    Prompted him to run a private race.

    He frisked about and explored at will

    Soon there wasn’t a corner unknown to him

    He kept a tab on where everyone was

    Lively and frolicsome right to the brim.

    Biscuit time was just after dinner

    And he’d long for just a tiny treat

    Squatting while we were having a snack

    Quite often tripping our feet.

    He travelled with us wherever we went

    And adapted joyfully to each new place

    Just to watch him explore around

    Was enough to light up our face.

    He was convinced that any packet that crackled

    Contained biscuits of his very own

    Every container that was opened

    Would miraculously produce a bone.

    Occasionally he would want to be pampered

    And refuse to eat till fed by hand

    Once I had knelt to feed him

    He would gobble the food as if at a pizza stand.

    He loved being scratched on the head

    And would close his eyes during a tummy rub

    Enjoyed getting wet and having a bath

    Whether under a shower or in the tub.

    When we returned from even the local store

    He used to go mad and jump from place to place

    And at the height of his ecstasy

    His wet tongue would, by turns, slobber our face.

    All in the neighbourhood asked about Tintin

    And for the local kids, he was a walking talking toy

    Everyone knew him by name, sight and sound

    He was a celebrity, the area’s blue-eyed boy.

    The doorbell was his signal for going crazy

    He welcomed every visitor with a rare elan

    Anyone who met him fell in love with him

    Whether another pet, woman, child, or man.

    Running on the streets or garden

    Was the pastime at which he excelled

    Or pulling at a shoelace, running off with a sock

    Or simply yanking at a leaf that we held.

    He was very scared of loud noises

    People shouting upset him too

    He cowered and barked alternately

    But in a jiffy was as good as new.

    Wary of car rides when he was a baby

    Preferred to stay in the comfort of home

    But soon he became a veteran traveler

    His adventures could easily fill a tome.

    He’d amble upto me with loving eyes

    Knowing exactly when I was upset or such

    He’d gently nudge me with his paw

    And that felt like no other healing touch.

    He trusted me blindly and implicitly

    Because his Bauji could never be wrong

    Thunder and crackers terrified him

    But he’d venture anywhere fearlessly if I went along.

    Sometimes, when he was feeling low,

    He would just come and stare

    And as if our gazes were speaking

    He told us what was wrong and where.

    He lived a loving and carefree life

    And knew the meaning of everything we said

    The mention of some of his favourite things

    Would make him sit up and cock his head.

    He never left my side for nine years

    Did anything that I asked him to

    I never believed such a companion could exist

    I was lucky to have a friend so true.

    Happy with just a twig or a piece of string

    He just gave and gave to all his everything

    Total faith and companionship he knew best

    Right until he opted for his final rest.

    Funny how he always understood my every gesture

    On my every command he would devotedly dwell

    Except on that last fateful visit to the vet

    When I asked him to return quickly and well.

    The bushy tail wagging and thumping

    Golden mane blowing in the breeze

    Eyes staring adoringly at his loved ones

    These are etched on my mind like a frieze.

    One day he fell sick, but not a whine

    Quietly accepting all that the medics would do

    Just a moment ago he peeped in at my door

    It’s sad that was his final adieu.

    When he died I felt as if I had died too

    For he treated me as if I was his father

    And my two sons and wife he doted on

    Just as they were his brothers and mother.

    He made us know the meaning of love

    And then said a silent goodbye

    In so short a time he stole our hearts

    And left us forever to remember and cry.

    Little did I know till he was no more

    What that noble soul meant to me

    He lived in style and died in style

    Everyone who knew him will agree.

    Oh! I’d give anything just to hear his pant again

    Or just smell his heady odour like an evergreen tree

    Oh! To feel him cuddle up against my leg

    To once more see his eyes gazing at me.

    Never made a demand or even a fuss

    Was loving and caring when even in pain

    He was just a dog, but when men do the same

    They are called saints or even Jesus by name.

    Now his memory lives on in my heart

    I wish him well in that new world of his

    That tiny soul touched me like no-one else could

    His friendship felt like the most wonderful kiss.

    Goodbye, my friend – I’ll always love you

    We’ll meet soon, I promise from my heart,

    When you see me just bark and wag your tail

    That day no one will ever make us part.

    Till then, take care, Tintin darling

    And rest in peace knowing that I’ll always be your friend

    Till then, play with the Lord and make him happy too

    I’ll join you soon and we’ll chase each other again.

    All I wanna say is that they don’t really care about us!

    July 11, 2009

    By the way, today’s post is being published while I am surfing on Tata Indicom’s Photon+ Wireless Broadband Data Card (wow – didn’t realize it was that long and complicated – and no, am not being paid to write that). Nice speed. 4/5 rating.

    I was driving through Delhi today and passed along the most beautiful parts of Delhi – that’s right – Akbar Road, Janpath, Aurangzeb Road, Africa Avenue, etc. There were many thoughts that came to my mind. Some of them were:

    a) Crooked, dishonest, illiterate politicians get to stay in houses with sprawling lawns and state-of-the-art facilities, while a very very large proportion of regular, honest, hard-working, salaried individuals are paying 70-80 lakhs for a 1600 square feet apartment in Gurgaon. Don’t even want to talk about Mumbai – not only because of 1600 sq feet (which is palatial in that city), but also because of the paltry sum of money, i.e. 70-80 lakhs, which is just about good enough to get you a pigeon coop in a decently located area in Mumbai.

    b) Why is all the greenery in the godforsaken city of Delhi/NCR concentrated just around the houses of these losers? Isn’t the rest of the population of the capital deserving enough to breathe good, clean air and live and experience decent surroundings?

    c) If they have been elected by the people and want to do good for the people, why are they given houses that the same people who have elected them can never get access to? Forget the houses, the public can’t even get access to the people whom they have elected.

    d) Why do they get unlimited and uninterrupted water and power supply when the common man on the road or anywhere else for that matter is subjected to all the misfortune of no water and no power? Shouldn’t they stand side-by-side of the people who have chosen them as their leaders?

    If they can get clean air, water, electricity, why can’t you and I?

    Why can’t the powers that be come and live among the people?

    Have they forgotten the meaning of democracy? To refresh their memory, a democracy is for the people, by the people, and of the people. In this case, all 3 parameters seem to be missing. These elected representatives have become celebrities in their own right.

    One might argue that since they are important people in our country, they need protection. Well, don’t you and I need protection too? Why should we be subjected to all the dangers in the world and the people whom we have elected to protect us from these dangers lead a sheltered life? Why can’t they face the same hardships that you and I face on a daily basis?

    We gave them the right to lead and represent us. We however, did not give them the right to live like kings/queens while we suffer because of their shortcomings, incapable decisions, and corrupt minds.

    Enough. Be one of us – be among us – face our difficulties – survive with us.

    …And then, I returned to Gurgaon. That should explain all of this.

    – Hef.

    Maikalal Jaikishen is no more

    June 26, 2009

    I have taken the liberty to see the lighter side of things when it comes to matters such as Michael Jackson’s death. This post is not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings (ill or otherwise) towards him. These are just my candid views on him, which I would have written when he was alive, but just that he came back into my circumspect just recently after his death. Here I go:

    Questions I wanted to ask him if I could.

    a) Why were you so desperate to be a white boy?
    b) Were you a boy or did you go halfway through a sex change and then changed your mind?
    c) With a face like that, how come you didn’t make it to any horror movie?
    d) Elizabeth Taylor?? What were you thinking?
    e) I could never understand what you were saying in most of your songs (Bad, Thriller, etc.) Thank God for Was that on purpose?
    f) Why were you always inflicting self-pain upon yourself (read: catching hold of your crotch and yowling)?
    g) I liked ‘Heal The World’ and ‘Earth Song’. Why that spark of sanity?
    h) You moonwalked your way to stardom and back again. How did you manage to make a mess out of such a great career?
    i) Did you like what we did with one of your songs?
    j) Any kids up there? (Readers – don’t kill me for this one)

    RIP MJ.

    Adult Franchise & My Rant About It

    April 3, 2009

    It’s that time of the time when elections are held in India, unless Deve Gowda/VP Singh decide to do a quick round of musical chairs and make a fool out of the entire country – aka Elections..and mind you – this is not just ‘yany’ election – it is the BIG ‘UN!

    My rant today is about the ridiculous thing we have in our country called ‘Adult Franchise’, which was initiated by Rajiv Gandhi, for quite obvious reasons, aka youth vote bank – educated or uneducated, is again a question in itself.

    Quite interestingly, my initial thought was to introduce the concept of ‘Adult Franchise’, and therefore, like all other things, I decided to Google it, when to my surprise, the first result that was thrown up defined it as follows:

    Voting age lowered
    From 21 to 18.
    Victory of youth.
    Victory of democracy.
    No, No, No.
    This is not so.
    It is the conquest of the politicians.
    We are merely contraceptive condoms.
    More condoms in the hands of politicians.
    They use us for their gains
    And throw us in a vacant dustbin
    After the use.

    Anyway, not sure what the message was there, but a quick definition of ‘Adult Franchise’ is – the right to vote once a person has attained 18 years of age. I have 3/4 points against this concept, which I will list down here quickly. A quick disclaimer though – one argument presented here is that all the points denote the narrowing of the voting population in the country and might not necessarily be something that any government in India will be able to do in a million centuries, but they’re my thoughts on what it should be/have been. Please bear with me.

    1. Attaining 18 years of age does not necessarily certify you to be of ‘sound mind’. Nowhere in the definition of this term is mentioned about the fact that you at least need to be of ‘sound mind’. Therefore, a retarded person/mentally challenged person also has the right to vote. I wonder how accurate this person’s judgement would be.
    2. You cannot get married at the age of 18. The underlying reason (apart from the fact that you should be studying) is that a person cannot handle the pressures of supporting a family at this point in his/her life. Ok – am in agreement. But, does this mean that at the age of 18, this same person is expected to handle matters of the nation by electing a suitable representative?
    3. Why is ’18’ such an important number. Why have an adult franchise based on age at all? Why can’t the adult franchise be based on the education qualification of an individual. We have tests for IPS, IAS, Law School, IIMs, heck – even before we get admitted into primary school, we have to give a certain test. It’s funny that we are being asked to choose the leaders of our nation and yet the government/constitution doesn’t care what is the caliber/capability of this individual? People should either be asked to give an IQ test before voting (a quick 3-question test), or anyone who has graduated from high school (class 12 equivalent) should only be allowed to vote.
    4. Better still, more logical, but narrowing it further down (which might not necessarily be bad for the country) – why shouldn’t only the taxpayers be allowed to vote and choose the people who are going to handle their hard-earned money that they pay in the form of taxes to the government. This would constitute only ~4% of the population, but clearly, this is the population that funds the country. Why should a person who swindles all, earns cash/doesn’t earn at all be given the right to decide who should handle the taxpayer’s money and what should be done with it?

    Would love to hear your thoughts. Blurt now!