3 Idiots & Chetak Bakbak: Yeh Kya Hui?

January 2, 2010

Following the brouhaha between Chetak Bakbak and the 3 Idiots team, Video Vinod Chopped-ra decided to get everyone in a room and decide how these differences can be settled so that he can concentrate on writing his next blockbuster with Himes bhai in the lead, titled ‘2010: A Greater Love Ishtory.’

The discussion is preceded by everyone ritually dancing to the groovy dance moves by the 80-year-old-looking-13-year-old.

After taking a breather, Chetak Bakbak (CB), Ameer Kan (AK), Rogered Kumar Hairaani (RKH), Abhi-jaata-hun Jyotshi (AJ), and Video Vinod Chopped-ra (VVC) were sitting in a circle with the famous single-butt-styled 3 Idiots chairs. To mediate the conversation, they called upon Chatur who insisted that the ‘Balatkar‘ he referred to in the movie was in fact a prediction that he had made on 5th September 3 years ago, which would affect the movie post it’s release.

Chatur: Maananiya atithiyo – main aapka swaagat karti. Mahabharata abhi part 2 nikali. Usme main samay ka role karti. Yaad kariye 3 years ago, isi place par, main bolti tha ki ek time aayega jab hum sab phir idhar hi milenga aur humko hamara past haunt karega. Lekin hum yeh bhi bola tha ki hum tab tak super star ban jaati aur tum log fighting karti. Haha…my prediction was ekdum theek. Ab tum kya bolti, Bakbak? bolo bolo…

CB: I am hurt.

AK: Aila, now by what?

CB: Aah…this pin that was pricking me while I was sitting. Yes – now this whole copycat thing that has been blown out of proportion… VVC/RKH – why don’t you admit that you had planned this and the fact that it took Abhi-jaata-hun 3 years to write this script was because he couldn’t find a pen that Ameer thought was perfect for writing?

RKH: (Silence)

VVC: Kee honda yaar? Koi gal nahin. I have referred to you in the rolling credits. Why do you want to create a scene yaar?
CB: My mumma couldn’t see my name. Even I eventually found out that it was there from my millions and billions of fans in India.

VVC: Oye, your maa must have forgotten to take her spectacles with her. No wonder she was sitting in the hall for 20 minutes after the movie finished. Lack of concentration yaar – hota hai, hota hai.

AK: (Interrupting) No no Video, dil hai ki manta nahin. This is just a stunt. Chetak just wants additional publicity because the movie that I made .. err.. RKH made was so good and is a super hit. What kind of a ‘purush’ is he?

VVC: Chill Ameer. Main Hoon Na!

AK: Aila, why are you talking about that chhichhora who dances in marriages right now?

VVC: No baba, not him, not him. I meant me.

CB: (Crying) Something something ille. Talk about me. I am hurt.

AK: Let me speak since I am a super actor, interfering producer, ghost director, and a six-pack builder. Chetak – why are you making baat out of batangad?

CB: But Ameer, my idol (whom I will bulldoze with my pointless rant), they didn’t show me the script, they didn’t let me watch the film first, which is why I lost the bet with my millions and billions of fans and had to pay 350 rupees from my pocket for each person in my building’s society to watch this movie. I want paisa vasool now.

VVC: But Chetak yaar, this was all part of the contract. As for allowing you to watch the movie first, I had only 3 chairs in my screening room and you wanted 1 seat for yourself, 1 for your popcorn and the last one for a mountain pile of your new book (2 states). Ameer wanted to watch the movie each time I would screen it and chop and cut and edit some scene or the other. That’s why I gave one seat to your popcorn, 1 to your pile of books, and one to Ameer. That is why you lost out na? Now, don’t do cheating bachcha.

CB: Oooeei maa … that hurts too!

AK: Look – the real writer of this film is Abhi-jaata-hun Jyotshi. Talk to him. Oye, Abhi-jaata-hun, where are you?

AJ: Oh teri. Abhi aata hun.

AJ: Yes Ameer Sir. How are you sir? Sorry sir, had gone for toilet break.

AK: Arre arre no problem AJ. You know Chetak, right?

AJ: Yes Sir, of course I know Chetak. I had copied everything from his book only. Whatay book saar, whatay book! I felt love with each word I copied. I would like to give you my tohfa Chetak. Kabool karein.

CB: Mumma!

AK: Hey, AJ don’t spoil the plot. Put your trousers back on. You will eventually give your tohfa to him, but for now, just hold on to whatever you have back there. I think there needs to be a change in plans. I will do all the talking from now on. VVC, RKH, and AJ – keep your mouths shut. I am a perfectionist. I will take care of it. Haan to – Chetak, bol.

CB: So, are you going to give me due credit or not? I am talking about right in the beginning of the film, before your name.

AK: Oye, watch it. I will give you my Ghajini scream, bare my body, sweat a lot, do pull-ups, and beat you up after that.

CB: Ok ok sorry Ameer. How about after your name, but mentioning that more than 70% has been copied from my book?

AK: Ummm…

VVC: (Interrupting) Nahi yaar Ameer, that will make me look like the Anu Malik of movie direction. Can I say ‘initialized by Chetak Bakbak’ instead?

CB: Lekin yeh ‘initialized’ cheez kya hai, yeh ‘initialized’ cheez?

AK: Dekh Chetak – you have to lose some if you want to win some. Khelna hai to khelo, warna get out.

CB: Ameer, look – I want to end this soon. I think British Dundee is catching on to our ploy.

AK: Woh taklu? Let him be. Let me tell you the problem yaar. Abhi tak feel nahi aa raha hai. You have to cry a bit more, whine a bit more, tell the media how your billions of fans are hating it and how much more your Mumma is crying. Thoda aur feel lao, aur emotions lao. By the way, the look is good huh? Unshaven look and all…achha hai accha hai. Tear your kurta a little bit the next time you go on TV, ok?

CB: Ok Ameer. So, it’s a deal then. I’ll whine and then you give me my spot.

AK: Yes. VVC aur RKH – theek hai na?

RKH: (silence)

VVC: Koi baat nahi yaar. Sab chalta hai, yeh bhi chala lenge. But I want tears – real ones – from your eyes, like the ones that people shed when they watched my real-life autobiography ‘Kareeb’.

CB: This is too much yaar. I am threatening you now. We are on the 8th floor. I will jump down. Watch it, ok?

VVC: Arre Chetak munde, you are taking it too seriously. I was just joking. Whatever Ameer says.

AK: But there has to be some marketing buildup for this. It looks too easy right now. AJ, I have been giving you credit all along about being the script writer. Kuchh to soch na yaar.

AJ: My tohfa is always for you Ameer Saar.

AK: Chhee…keep your tohfa to yourself. Kabhi to theek se dhoya karo yaar. I only like Chatur’s tohfa since he also gives me a 1+1 free offer of a silent killer fart with the tohfa. Learn something I say. Anyway, done deal Chetak.

“You cry and
we wipe it dry
but only if this issue is tweeted by Stephen Fry

VVC: Wah wah Ameer. Kya sher hai.

AK: Woh kya hai na Video, I am practicing poetry for my next film, which is also K…k…kkkiran’s directorial debut. She wants me to play a poet called Teelu and so I’m getting into the skin of the character.

CB: The one titled ‘Dhobi Ghaat’? What’s the connection between you being a poet and Dhobi Ghaat?

AK: Wohi toh – marketing strategy. I can’t tell you now. Later later. I am doing a role of a dhobi who secretly writes lyrics for Karan Joker’s movies. But all this is hush hush – theek hai na?

CB: Ok – done deal. I have a TV interview right now. Watch the way I cry and say that I don’t want anything, but am hellbent on kicking up a fuss about it. Sab set hai na phir Ameer bhai?

AK: Sure sister. Pakka pakka. As an added sweetener and if you do a good job, we can talk later about one of my sequels to 3 Idiots titled “2 P’s (Phunsuk and Pia)”, where I will directly rip the story from your latest book and which will again be directed by VVC and RKH. We’ll make it a big reunion by getting AJ to write it for us again.

CB: Oh ho…more sales for my new book. After my publisher refused to sell the book for more than Rs 95, I had to do something to make my rozi roti. This is perfect. Can’t wait Ameer…can’t wait. Tra la la la la. Mummy – fun is coming.

Ameer: Theek hai…accha hai…accha hai – it’s all settled then. RKH?

RKH: (Silence)

Chatur: (Shocked) Arre, yeh kya hui? My Mahabharata part 2 turned out to be phuski? Yeh nahi ho sakti. Oye Phunsuk ser, I will complain to Mookes bhai and there will be another balatkar on the film about how the set was captured without his permission.

AK: Oh teri! Arre Chatur. One battle is over, but the war is left. Don’t worry yaar. Stick with me and I will teach you the ropes.
VVC: Ameer is right. Jung abhi baaki hai mere dost, jung abhi baaki hai.

Chatur: Yeh jung is left? Yeh kya hui? Anyway, if you are also saying, then main maanti. But, I want a big role in the next film, haan? Nahi toh I will make your sthan my dhan.

VVC: Haan Chatur, my brother from another mother. I will give you a contract right now that you will be mentioned in my next film. Guaranteed!

AK: Chalo bhaiya, finally. Aal eez well then. Theek hai na Rogered?

RKH: (Silence)

VVC: Arre Ameer. Iski bolti bandh hai. He is still in shock after my stunner blockbuster ‘Eklavya’ as well as my expert media-handling styles. All settled. Aal eez well…aal eez well.

The Kids These Days!

November 29, 2009

I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time, but did not get the time to do it. Finally, with some time on my hands after escaping from work early, since it’s my wedding anniversary today and my wife is out of town, I thought I’d at least do something that I’ve wanted to in a long time. And that my readers, is share my thoughts with you.

Today’s topic that I have decided to write about is one that frustrates me to no extent to see the kind of spoilt ingrates being churned out by society. A child’s life today is over-protected. As we steer more to the western school of thought and the fact that hurting a child can lead to terrible consequences, the percentage of unsuccessful, low on esteem, frightful, and often queer folks has increased multifold.

There used to be a time when parents would wield a stick, teach a child discipline, and let the child fend for himself in difficult situations. This would be the norm and the done thing. However now, the times – they are a changin’.

Today’s parents are into ‘child worship’. This excessive devotion to children is just mind-numbing. Today’s professional parents are constantly overscheduling and overmanaging their children, and are robbing them of their childhood. Even the simple act of playing has been taken away from them. Something that is supposed to be spontaneous and free has become rigid and overtly planned. Nowadays, a 4-year old should not be playing outside in the sun. He should be inside studying and cramming hard for his Kindergarten entrance exams. All this is for noone else, but for his parents pride and egos.

Children today aren’t allowed to play the ever so famous ‘chor police’, because it includes “victimization”. They aren’t allowed to play ‘tag’ because it includes ‘exclusion’. Instead, they are encouraged to play indoor games involving strategy, games involving intelligence. Where has all the fun gone? These are not droids that we want to churn out. Humans are what we are and humans are what we are expected to produce.

Having said that, when the child finally gets to play – whatever game he/she is allowed to play, the child will never lose, because in today’s world, no child ever loses…everybody wins and noone is a loser. Everyone gets a trophy. No child today ever gets to hear those all-important character building words “You lost”. Instead, these kids are told “You’re the last winner”. Often, these kids don’t hear the right words right up until their twenties, when their bosses tell them to their faces, “You’re a loser!”. And then, this 20-year old child crumbles, goes into depression, and then the psychiatrics take over.

Turn off the internet, the idiot box, the CD ROMS, computer games and let your kids stare at a tree for a couple of hours. Every now and then they will actually come up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how to help your kids? Leave them alone.

Children these days are overrated and overvalued. They’ve become little cult objects. Today’s parents have a child fetish and that’s not a great thing. Often, you’ll get to hear “I love my children”. Well – everyone loves their children…it doesn’t make the person who’s saying it any more special or what they’re saying more believable. Stop praising your kids in front of others (or even in front of the kids themselves). Noone whom you’re telling these things to wants to know, because noone cares. What is this mindless rambling, the neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow everything has to revolve around the life of your child?

What is it with mobile phones and kids these days? How can parents give a 7-year old a cellphone and encourage him/her to talk using that phone? Calling them up in the middle of the day and asking them “Did you eat? Did you go to the loo? When are you coming home? Where are you now? Who are you with? Don’t play with boy ‘X’ because he is a mean boy “. No wonder kids these days run far away from their parents as soon as they are able to. I don’t blame the parents for asking these questions too much, but what I am objecting to is this obsession of not being able to leave their kids alone to fend for themselves and make decisions on their own. So what if it’s the wrong one? They’ll make the mistake and learn. It’s not the end of the world. At least you end up teaching your child one of the most important things in life – being bold enough to take a decision.

Kids love showing off shiny, new things. I remember I used to take pride in a pencil-box my parents once bought me. I would go around showing it off to everyone I knew in school. Often, if I would get good grades, I would tell my friends that it’s because of the lucky pencil/eraser I bought the other day. That is innocence personified. Not like today’s kids, who go around showing off their mobile phones letting other kids know that they have GPRS and can watch videos on their phones. This then forces the jealous kids to make demands of their weak parents, who, for the sake of showing their kids how much they love them, go and buy these kids a better phone than the one they initially demanded….and the cycle goes on.

Do parents really need to “show” their love to their kids? I mean – isn’t it obvious? They bring you into this world, they live together, they feed the kids, they take care of them, they get mad at them as well. Is that not good enough? Why do parents have to buy their kids things, tolerate misbehaviour and indiscipline to show their kids how much they love them? It just makes the kid weaker and more insecure than ever before, not to mention spoilt.

Finally, when the kids turn out all wrong and the parents catch the kid smoking one day at the shop around the corner, they’re going to be ignorant of the fact that they didn’t teach their kids the right things (and expected their schools to do it for them – after all, they spent all their money on that fancy air-conditioned school without uniforms and books, that allowed their children to move around in AC buses, fed them during the day with 5-star category food, allowed them to take a nap, and didn’t give them homework since it was considered as too much pressure for the child). Instead, they blame the tobacco companies, advertisements, the Western world, movies, filmstars, and even believe that the camel in sunglasses asked them to smoke. Today’s parents are responsible for today’s generation and they have failed to make their kids understand right from wrong, good from evil, and even truth from dare.

Children are the most beautiful and innocent things that were ever created. Parents end up spoiling them by imposing their beliefs and views, being overprotective, scheduling their time for them, succumbing to their kids’ whims and fancies, letting the child take control of them instead of the other way round. At the end of it, these same parents end up demanding respect from their children. They forget that respect cannot be demanded – it must be earned….and we all end up blaming none other than “the kids these days….”

The Guns of Gurgaon

August 9, 2009


A direct post from a news article. I don’t even want to say anything…

Managing Gurgaon traffic at gun point

7 Aug 2009, 1215 hrs IST, Ranjan Roy, TNN

GURGAON: I invariably approach the Delhi-Gurgaon toll gate on the expressway prepared for the worst. But I wasn’t quite ready for what I saw on
Gun on Gurgaon streets “I wasn’t quite ready for what I saw on Wednesday night,” says Roy.

As I navigated my car towards one of the tag-users lane, trying to avoid trucks and cabs muscling in from all angles and squeeze through thin spaces between the multiple lines, I was cut off by a light commercial vehicle that barrelled down from the right.

The LCV nudged me out a bit but I stood my ground. It then moved forward and tried to growl its way in. I rolled down my window to give the driver a piece of my mind. The driver of the car in front of me, who was seated at the back while his owner drove, got off and tried to reason with the trucker to back off. But the truck driver
wasn’t listening.

That’s when I saw the artillery come out. A young man, wearing jeans and tee, leapt out of the driver’s seat and rushed to the truck. He whipped out a revolver and held it against the LCV driver’s neck and asked him for his licence. The ashen-faced driver, his bravado now drained by the black barrel pressed to his adam’s apple, meekly complied.

I almost cheered! If this wasn’t a dangerous act of vigilantism, the young man could deserve a medal for bringing some order to the toll gate chaos. With traffic billowing around the chicken necks that the tag lanes have turned into, I regularly see tempers fray and people routinely roll down their windows and curse and even get off and thump bonnets of cars that try to nose in from the sides into the lanes. But guns being pulled out was a new one.

As I watched the young man hold the LCV driver at bay, some other cars and cabs tried to sneak into the lane and blocked his car again. Having crossed the LCV, the gunman now strode ahead to take on smaller prey. Brandishing what looked like a heavy-calibre revolver, the kind cops are armed with, the man yanked out the ignition key from one car and threatened a few others that were seeking to muscle in.

“Goli marega kya?” shouted a cabbie. The young man hissed something – possibly, “Don’t tempt your luck.” A middle age man had come out of his car to say something to the young man. His family was screaming inside, trying to tell him not to provoke the man with a gun.

By this time his car had crawled to the barrier. The young man tucked in his revolver back into his jeans and drove off, fading into the traffic.

Selfless promotion of the only group I belong to on Facebook!

August 8, 2009


This post is nothing but a promotion of a group that I belong to on Facebook – “We Hate Gurgaon“. If you know me, interact with me, follow me on Twitter, or even remotely know who I am, this group will come as no surprise to you. Gurgaon – a village of which the lesser said, the better. Am not going to go on a rant right here – for that, there’s Twitter and of course this group.

I moved to this village in NCR (National Cattle Region) about 32 months ago and have hated it with a vengeance with each passing day. In fact, what this place has done has further led me to hate all of the North, including Delhi, Punjab, and whatever else is north of Kolkata.

This group was started by a friend of mine (Arjun Kolady) and myself. I hold the title of “Chief Subversion Officer”. While my friend was lucky enough to move to Bangalore 12 months from moving to Gurgaon and starting this group, I have been rotting here since December, 2006 and judging by the way things are moving in my life, am stuck here for some more time, unless an act of God or a benevolent miracle rescues me from my grief.

If you have been to this place or if you have any intentions of visiting, please do go through the content listed on this group and you will definitely understand that the so-called “Millennium City” is nothing short of a shoddy, ill-planned, ill-constructed, zero-infrastructure, zero-transport, green-less wonder of the 21st century.

Come one, come all – to the group…not to Gurgaon.

~ Hef

All I wanna say is that they don’t really care about us!

July 11, 2009

By the way, today’s post is being published while I am surfing on Tata Indicom’s Photon+ Wireless Broadband Data Card (wow – didn’t realize it was that long and complicated – and no, am not being paid to write that). Nice speed. 4/5 rating.

I was driving through Delhi today and passed along the most beautiful parts of Delhi – that’s right – Akbar Road, Janpath, Aurangzeb Road, Africa Avenue, etc. There were many thoughts that came to my mind. Some of them were:

a) Crooked, dishonest, illiterate politicians get to stay in houses with sprawling lawns and state-of-the-art facilities, while a very very large proportion of regular, honest, hard-working, salaried individuals are paying 70-80 lakhs for a 1600 square feet apartment in Gurgaon. Don’t even want to talk about Mumbai – not only because of 1600 sq feet (which is palatial in that city), but also because of the paltry sum of money, i.e. 70-80 lakhs, which is just about good enough to get you a pigeon coop in a decently located area in Mumbai.

b) Why is all the greenery in the godforsaken city of Delhi/NCR concentrated just around the houses of these losers? Isn’t the rest of the population of the capital deserving enough to breathe good, clean air and live and experience decent surroundings?

c) If they have been elected by the people and want to do good for the people, why are they given houses that the same people who have elected them can never get access to? Forget the houses, the public can’t even get access to the people whom they have elected.

d) Why do they get unlimited and uninterrupted water and power supply when the common man on the road or anywhere else for that matter is subjected to all the misfortune of no water and no power? Shouldn’t they stand side-by-side of the people who have chosen them as their leaders?

If they can get clean air, water, electricity, why can’t you and I?

Why can’t the powers that be come and live among the people?

Have they forgotten the meaning of democracy? To refresh their memory, a democracy is for the people, by the people, and of the people. In this case, all 3 parameters seem to be missing. These elected representatives have become celebrities in their own right.

One might argue that since they are important people in our country, they need protection. Well, don’t you and I need protection too? Why should we be subjected to all the dangers in the world and the people whom we have elected to protect us from these dangers lead a sheltered life? Why can’t they face the same hardships that you and I face on a daily basis?

We gave them the right to lead and represent us. We however, did not give them the right to live like kings/queens while we suffer because of their shortcomings, incapable decisions, and corrupt minds.

Enough. Be one of us – be among us – face our difficulties – survive with us.

…And then, I returned to Gurgaon. That should explain all of this.

– Hef.

Maikalal Jaikishen is no more

June 26, 2009

I have taken the liberty to see the lighter side of things when it comes to matters such as Michael Jackson’s death. This post is not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings (ill or otherwise) towards him. These are just my candid views on him, which I would have written when he was alive, but just that he came back into my circumspect just recently after his death. Here I go:

Questions I wanted to ask him if I could.

a) Why were you so desperate to be a white boy?
b) Were you a boy or did you go halfway through a sex change and then changed your mind?
c) With a face like that, how come you didn’t make it to any horror movie?
d) Elizabeth Taylor?? What were you thinking?
e) I could never understand what you were saying in most of your songs (Bad, Thriller, etc.) Thank God for lyrics.com. Was that on purpose?
f) Why were you always inflicting self-pain upon yourself (read: catching hold of your crotch and yowling)?
g) I liked ‘Heal The World’ and ‘Earth Song’. Why that spark of sanity?
h) You moonwalked your way to stardom and back again. How did you manage to make a mess out of such a great career?
i) Did you like what we did with one of your songs?
j) Any kids up there? (Readers – don’t kill me for this one)


Adult Franchise & My Rant About It

April 3, 2009

It’s that time of the time when elections are held in India, unless Deve Gowda/VP Singh decide to do a quick round of musical chairs and make a fool out of the entire country – aka Elections..and mind you – this is not just ‘yany’ election – it is the BIG ‘UN!

My rant today is about the ridiculous thing we have in our country called ‘Adult Franchise’, which was initiated by Rajiv Gandhi, for quite obvious reasons, aka youth vote bank – educated or uneducated, is again a question in itself.

Quite interestingly, my initial thought was to introduce the concept of ‘Adult Franchise’, and therefore, like all other things, I decided to Google it, when to my surprise, the first result that was thrown up defined it as follows:

Voting age lowered
From 21 to 18.
Victory of youth.
Victory of democracy.
No, No, No.
This is not so.
It is the conquest of the politicians.
We are merely contraceptive condoms.
More condoms in the hands of politicians.
They use us for their gains
And throw us in a vacant dustbin
After the use.

Anyway, not sure what the message was there, but a quick definition of ‘Adult Franchise’ is – the right to vote once a person has attained 18 years of age. I have 3/4 points against this concept, which I will list down here quickly. A quick disclaimer though – one argument presented here is that all the points denote the narrowing of the voting population in the country and might not necessarily be something that any government in India will be able to do in a million centuries, but they’re my thoughts on what it should be/have been. Please bear with me.

  1. Attaining 18 years of age does not necessarily certify you to be of ‘sound mind’. Nowhere in the definition of this term is mentioned about the fact that you at least need to be of ‘sound mind’. Therefore, a retarded person/mentally challenged person also has the right to vote. I wonder how accurate this person’s judgement would be.
  2. You cannot get married at the age of 18. The underlying reason (apart from the fact that you should be studying) is that a person cannot handle the pressures of supporting a family at this point in his/her life. Ok – am in agreement. But, does this mean that at the age of 18, this same person is expected to handle matters of the nation by electing a suitable representative?
  3. Why is ’18’ such an important number. Why have an adult franchise based on age at all? Why can’t the adult franchise be based on the education qualification of an individual. We have tests for IPS, IAS, Law School, IIMs, heck – even before we get admitted into primary school, we have to give a certain test. It’s funny that we are being asked to choose the leaders of our nation and yet the government/constitution doesn’t care what is the caliber/capability of this individual? People should either be asked to give an IQ test before voting (a quick 3-question test), or anyone who has graduated from high school (class 12 equivalent) should only be allowed to vote.
  4. Better still, more logical, but narrowing it further down (which might not necessarily be bad for the country) – why shouldn’t only the taxpayers be allowed to vote and choose the people who are going to handle their hard-earned money that they pay in the form of taxes to the government. This would constitute only ~4% of the population, but clearly, this is the population that funds the country. Why should a person who swindles all, earns cash/doesn’t earn at all be given the right to decide who should handle the taxpayer’s money and what should be done with it?

Would love to hear your thoughts. Blurt now!