3 Idiots & Chetak Bakbak: Yeh Kya Hui?

Following the brouhaha between Chetak Bakbak and the 3 Idiots team, Video Vinod Chopped-ra decided to get everyone in a room and decide how these differences can be settled so that he can concentrate on writing his next blockbuster with Himes bhai in the lead, titled ‘2010: A Greater Love Ishtory.’

The discussion is preceded by everyone ritually dancing to the groovy dance moves by the 80-year-old-looking-13-year-old.

After taking a breather, Chetak Bakbak (CB), Ameer Kan (AK), Rogered Kumar Hairaani (RKH), Abhi-jaata-hun Jyotshi (AJ), and Video Vinod Chopped-ra (VVC) were sitting in a circle with the famous single-butt-styled 3 Idiots chairs. To mediate the conversation, they called upon Chatur who insisted that the ‘Balatkar‘ he referred to in the movie was in fact a prediction that he had made on 5th September 3 years ago, which would affect the movie post it’s release.

Chatur: Maananiya atithiyo – main aapka swaagat karti. Mahabharata abhi part 2 nikali. Usme main samay ka role karti. Yaad kariye 3 years ago, isi place par, main bolti tha ki ek time aayega jab hum sab phir idhar hi milenga aur humko hamara past haunt karega. Lekin hum yeh bhi bola tha ki hum tab tak super star ban jaati aur tum log fighting karti. Haha…my prediction was ekdum theek. Ab tum kya bolti, Bakbak? bolo bolo…

CB: I am hurt.

AK: Aila, now by what?

CB: Aah…this pin that was pricking me while I was sitting. Yes – now this whole copycat thing that has been blown out of proportion… VVC/RKH – why don’t you admit that you had planned this and the fact that it took Abhi-jaata-hun 3 years to write this script was because he couldn’t find a pen that Ameer thought was perfect for writing?

RKH: (Silence)

VVC: Kee honda yaar? Koi gal nahin. I have referred to you in the rolling credits. Why do you want to create a scene yaar?
CB: My mumma couldn’t see my name. Even I eventually found out that it was there from my millions and billions of fans in India.

VVC: Oye, your maa must have forgotten to take her spectacles with her. No wonder she was sitting in the hall for 20 minutes after the movie finished. Lack of concentration yaar – hota hai, hota hai.

AK: (Interrupting) No no Video, dil hai ki manta nahin. This is just a stunt. Chetak just wants additional publicity because the movie that I made .. err.. RKH made was so good and is a super hit. What kind of a ‘purush’ is he?

VVC: Chill Ameer. Main Hoon Na!

AK: Aila, why are you talking about that chhichhora who dances in marriages right now?

VVC: No baba, not him, not him. I meant me.

CB: (Crying) Something something ille. Talk about me. I am hurt.

AK: Let me speak since I am a super actor, interfering producer, ghost director, and a six-pack builder. Chetak – why are you making baat out of batangad?

CB: But Ameer, my idol (whom I will bulldoze with my pointless rant), they didn’t show me the script, they didn’t let me watch the film first, which is why I lost the bet with my millions and billions of fans and had to pay 350 rupees from my pocket for each person in my building’s society to watch this movie. I want paisa vasool now.

VVC: But Chetak yaar, this was all part of the contract. As for allowing you to watch the movie first, I had only 3 chairs in my screening room and you wanted 1 seat for yourself, 1 for your popcorn and the last one for a mountain pile of your new book (2 states). Ameer wanted to watch the movie each time I would screen it and chop and cut and edit some scene or the other. That’s why I gave one seat to your popcorn, 1 to your pile of books, and one to Ameer. That is why you lost out na? Now, don’t do cheating bachcha.

CB: Oooeei maa … that hurts too!

AK: Look – the real writer of this film is Abhi-jaata-hun Jyotshi. Talk to him. Oye, Abhi-jaata-hun, where are you?

AJ: Oh teri. Abhi aata hun.

AJ: Yes Ameer Sir. How are you sir? Sorry sir, had gone for toilet break.

AK: Arre arre no problem AJ. You know Chetak, right?

AJ: Yes Sir, of course I know Chetak. I had copied everything from his book only. Whatay book saar, whatay book! I felt love with each word I copied. I would like to give you my tohfa Chetak. Kabool karein.

CB: Mumma!

AK: Hey, AJ don’t spoil the plot. Put your trousers back on. You will eventually give your tohfa to him, but for now, just hold on to whatever you have back there. I think there needs to be a change in plans. I will do all the talking from now on. VVC, RKH, and AJ – keep your mouths shut. I am a perfectionist. I will take care of it. Haan to – Chetak, bol.

CB: So, are you going to give me due credit or not? I am talking about right in the beginning of the film, before your name.

AK: Oye, watch it. I will give you my Ghajini scream, bare my body, sweat a lot, do pull-ups, and beat you up after that.

CB: Ok ok sorry Ameer. How about after your name, but mentioning that more than 70% has been copied from my book?

AK: Ummm…

VVC: (Interrupting) Nahi yaar Ameer, that will make me look like the Anu Malik of movie direction. Can I say ‘initialized by Chetak Bakbak’ instead?

CB: Lekin yeh ‘initialized’ cheez kya hai, yeh ‘initialized’ cheez?

AK: Dekh Chetak – you have to lose some if you want to win some. Khelna hai to khelo, warna get out.

CB: Ameer, look – I want to end this soon. I think British Dundee is catching on to our ploy.

AK: Woh taklu? Let him be. Let me tell you the problem yaar. Abhi tak feel nahi aa raha hai. You have to cry a bit more, whine a bit more, tell the media how your billions of fans are hating it and how much more your Mumma is crying. Thoda aur feel lao, aur emotions lao. By the way, the look is good huh? Unshaven look and all…achha hai accha hai. Tear your kurta a little bit the next time you go on TV, ok?

CB: Ok Ameer. So, it’s a deal then. I’ll whine and then you give me my spot.

AK: Yes. VVC aur RKH – theek hai na?

RKH: (silence)

VVC: Koi baat nahi yaar. Sab chalta hai, yeh bhi chala lenge. But I want tears – real ones – from your eyes, like the ones that people shed when they watched my real-life autobiography ‘Kareeb’.

CB: This is too much yaar. I am threatening you now. We are on the 8th floor. I will jump down. Watch it, ok?

VVC: Arre Chetak munde, you are taking it too seriously. I was just joking. Whatever Ameer says.

AK: But there has to be some marketing buildup for this. It looks too easy right now. AJ, I have been giving you credit all along about being the script writer. Kuchh to soch na yaar.

AJ: My tohfa is always for you Ameer Saar.

AK: Chhee…keep your tohfa to yourself. Kabhi to theek se dhoya karo yaar. I only like Chatur’s tohfa since he also gives me a 1+1 free offer of a silent killer fart with the tohfa. Learn something I say. Anyway, done deal Chetak.

“You cry and
we wipe it dry
but only if this issue is tweeted by Stephen Fry

VVC: Wah wah Ameer. Kya sher hai.

AK: Woh kya hai na Video, I am practicing poetry for my next film, which is also K…k…kkkiran’s directorial debut. She wants me to play a poet called Teelu and so I’m getting into the skin of the character.

CB: The one titled ‘Dhobi Ghaat’? What’s the connection between you being a poet and Dhobi Ghaat?

AK: Wohi toh – marketing strategy. I can’t tell you now. Later later. I am doing a role of a dhobi who secretly writes lyrics for Karan Joker’s movies. But all this is hush hush – theek hai na?

CB: Ok – done deal. I have a TV interview right now. Watch the way I cry and say that I don’t want anything, but am hellbent on kicking up a fuss about it. Sab set hai na phir Ameer bhai?

AK: Sure sister. Pakka pakka. As an added sweetener and if you do a good job, we can talk later about one of my sequels to 3 Idiots titled “2 P’s (Phunsuk and Pia)”, where I will directly rip the story from your latest book and which will again be directed by VVC and RKH. We’ll make it a big reunion by getting AJ to write it for us again.

CB: Oh ho…more sales for my new book. After my publisher refused to sell the book for more than Rs 95, I had to do something to make my rozi roti. This is perfect. Can’t wait Ameer…can’t wait. Tra la la la la. Mummy – fun is coming.

Ameer: Theek hai…accha hai…accha hai – it’s all settled then. RKH?

RKH: (Silence)

Chatur: (Shocked) Arre, yeh kya hui? My Mahabharata part 2 turned out to be phuski? Yeh nahi ho sakti. Oye Phunsuk ser, I will complain to Mookes bhai and there will be another balatkar on the film about how the set was captured without his permission.

AK: Oh teri! Arre Chatur. One battle is over, but the war is left. Don’t worry yaar. Stick with me and I will teach you the ropes.
VVC: Ameer is right. Jung abhi baaki hai mere dost, jung abhi baaki hai.

Chatur: Yeh jung is left? Yeh kya hui? Anyway, if you are also saying, then main maanti. But, I want a big role in the next film, haan? Nahi toh I will make your sthan my dhan.

VVC: Haan Chatur, my brother from another mother. I will give you a contract right now that you will be mentioned in my next film. Guaranteed!

AK: Chalo bhaiya, finally. Aal eez well then. Theek hai na Rogered?

RKH: (Silence)

VVC: Arre Ameer. Iski bolti bandh hai. He is still in shock after my stunner blockbuster ‘Eklavya’ as well as my expert media-handling styles. All settled. Aal eez well…aal eez well.

One Response to 3 Idiots & Chetak Bakbak: Yeh Kya Hui?

  1. Emile Sutton says:

    If only I had a greenback for each time I came to hefspeak.wordpress.com.. Incredible writing!

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